A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day