A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
No comments:
Post a Comment