Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
E. B. White
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
Logan P. Smith
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I rant, therefore I am.
Never floss with a stranger.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day