All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Communism is like one big phone company.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
Men are only as loyal as their options.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day