Kutipan (Quote) - Funny (4)

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel

Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben