The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan P. Smith
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
I think serial monogamy says it all.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day