By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
I like marriage. The idea.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I never said most of the things I said.
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day