I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
My life needs editing.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day