I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Chevy Chase
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith
My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
Rita Rudner
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis
Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan
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