Kutipan (Quote) - Funny (6)

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings

All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Chevy Chase

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
Rita Rudner

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

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