Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
All men are equal before fish.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Father's Day
- Memorial Day
- Mother's Day